Farm equipent auctions & other prick waving contests.

Nothing draws a crowd like a good or crappy farm equipment auction.  Thats all I got. I had a great premise in mind about how farmers stand around and mock the “trashy” equipment (that looks exactly as shitty as their own) and how it’s more of a social outing than a business venture. Next was yield “bragging” between neighbors, but I’ll save that for another time. (BTW my yield plot of 31N30 went 295bpa) <— yes, that’s me waving the shit out of it…

Now that I’ve got the dead-end shit out of the way, also known as the first bottle of alcohol, let’s roll on.


Anybody with young kids has probably gotten leggos before. Hell if you are ‘merican, you probably played the shit out of them when you were a kid. If you were not American, think square little rocks that snap together.  Anyway, enough about poor un-American kids and their lack of toys, hey not our fault your country sucks.

I’m sure most in my generation were inspired to build huge successes in life by things like leggos and other toys from our childhood. (except easy bake ovens, “here, melt this lead bar and pretend to eat it”)  I mean you had to use your imagination, no matter how crappy it was.  “look mom, an airplane”, says the kid holding up a brick of leggos that wouldn’t fly even if you soaked it in gas & lit it while said brick is strapped it to the neighbors cat.  Now leggos come in a “kit”….

Let me DEFINE “kit”.  A kit is a box with just the pieces needed to make the mass marketed figure/character.  Image

How do I have a picture of said “kit”? Because I fell into the trap of putting together leggos for my son.  I should have let him have the pieces to build his own brick.  It would have been 1000 times better than the Italian plumber standing on his “big wheel” motorcycle that is just stupid simplified.  In the future, we are going to let him go to town on his leggos without our help… right after we get done putting this JD tractor “kit” together…

Hence, the downfall of the U.S.A., 100% Leggos and parents fault.  One day, he is going to have to learn to wave the “bullshit’ flag for himself, even if it means waving it at his parents and society.

Sidenote: My wife just looked at the box and said “It’s made in Canada, that’s the problem”. I agree, damn Canadians, next time we’re getting Mexican leggos, at least they work.


p.s. Chris Knight is kick-ass music listen to while drinking and writing.


Here is my GD marketing plan….

I’m sick and tired of reading ag related articles that contain marketing advice. I don’t know who the hell their target audience is. (sure as fuck isn’t me)  They all like to use phrases like, “now that you are done with harvest, what to do with the bushels….”

I know what you do SELL THAT SHIT AND PAY THE BANK.  I guess I’m outside of the demo they are striving to impress, because every damn bushel of grain, every pound of beef, every ounce of sweat is spoken for.  I guess there is some rich mid-western farmer/rancher sitting on a lazy-boy stuffed with $20’s for padding, just wringing his hands about what to do with his unsold bushels of grain, but that isn’t the case here.

“We have you at 20% sold on your 2012 corn crop”…. Really?!? If I was concerned about what the fuck to do with unsold bushels, I can damn well guarantee you I’ve figured out how to play the game well enough that my marketing advice would not come from a publication that could double for toilet paper in Amish country.

“Hold off on sales until market rallies….”  Ok, genius, why didn’t you tell me to pull the trigger when prices were at an all time high? The truth-full answer is you didn’t want to be the asshole that make everyone sell early, better to be part of the “advisory” crowd that plays it safe on every occasion.

“Add to sales on rallies to XYZ level in XYZ futures contract….” So in reality, they are going to make a 20/20 hindsight call like it is going there again.  Nobody really gives a shit if it happens, they just want the opportunity to say “we told you so”.

My GD grain marketing plan is simple, try to forward contract 99.9999% of every bushel I raise for the absolute top in the market. Do I fail, hell yes. Is anybody knocking down the gate to get my grain marketing advice, not yet. Am I one day closer to understanding how to bullshit my way into people paying me for marketing advice, you bet.

Forward Sales FTW


You are 100% sold on bullshit for the 2012 marketing season, just wait until someting changes and I’ll tell you why you suck for not anticipating it, Hold off on 2013 bullshit for now.

P.S. Profarmer is 100% sold on 2012 corn, kudos to those guys for sticking their neck out and staying with it. They will probably cringe at my endorsement.

Dear Hallmark: go screw yourself.

If you buy premade cards, you are an asshole.  It’s not hallmark’s fault, but I needed a snazzy title to get you to read this piece of crap I’m writing.  Anyway you got here, might as well read on and cringe. 

I care about you so much, I took the time to read through all these cards, just to get the one I think will make you like me the most” – sad part is, I’m just fucking around and this card probably exists as one of those tongue and cheek, ‘look at me, I’m ironic’ type cards.

Why has society deemed the card such a mainstay in formal situations/events?  Go to any kids B-day party, and every gift MUST be accompanied by a card. The more bullshit noise and crap it spews, the better… (alot like the party itself)  Let somebody close to you die, and here comes the rose colored, dove flying over shit in the sky cards telling everything is going to be ok, because look there is the fucking bird carrying a ribbon in it’s beak.  Turn any age that has a zero as the last number, (20,30,40,etc) and guess what, there is a card for that. I’ll wager that the guy turning 100 is like “Fuck it already, I’ve got a lifetime of these things, and by the way, this eraser tastes great.”  Get married or divorced, some bullshit about how that’s the last guy/girl you’ll ever meet. (for both events)  Get sick, Get well, Get moving, Get a new job, Get laid, Get out of jail, Get remarried, Get a new kid, Get an old kid, Get anything that they can sell you a card for and they will.

Here is a revolutionary idea….

Sit down and write out a card YOURSELF, and include with it YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!

Now this will really screw with people, because, as you understand, polite society frowns upon genuine things.  And if you don’t like the person enough to take the time to make a card, don’t do it, you’ll feel great for not having wasted time on the schmuck you are expected to do something for. Seriously folks, if you want to watch people cringe, just try one time making somebody a card instead of cruising the miles of aisles of walmart, target, etc for the PERFECT THING SOMEBODY ELSE MADE UP, SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BOTHERED WITH THINKING LONG ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING NICE TO SAY.



P.S. You can make your own gifts too, like a storm-trooper helmet out of milk jugs….. Dairy force be with you.


Shitty stadiums and other stuff

I’m going to open this session with a common phrase uttered by people who suck at writing (and life)…

Can you feel it, the crisp night air, it must be… fall…football…get ready. <—- sucks to read that doesn’t it, like holy crap, had I not been told that, I might have drifted for months and awoke to snow thinking WTF? Why didn’t anybody ask me if I noticed fall? Screw people who write shit like that, it sucks and you know it, stop it.

Anyway, so yes it’s almost football. Hell to the yes, I say! There is nothing more exhilarating than talking crap to opposing fans via the Internet or some other form of communication (like smoke signals). I love pointing out how other people pale in comparison to my shining glory because I CHOOSE THE RIGHT TEAM!!! Any guess who that team might be?

THE OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS (screw Ohio state, we are the real OSU)

I’m the real OSU fan… I went to games when Bob Simmons was the coach. Enough said. Well, no it’s not… I”m pre-Boone.  I went to Lewis field/stadium when the exposed steel girders looked as if they were taken from piles at ground zero. (this was post 4/19 and pre 9/11)  The teams I watched were stocked full of great athletes… problem is they were mostly the studs with a .02 GPA from a Kansas Juco where there was more wheat than women.  Weekly rosters were most-likely posted in field-house and post-office.

As part of being in the agronomy club, I worked the concession stand one game. Didn’t learn anything profound there except for concession stands at college games suck. No wonder they hire the homeless people to work those things, they are the only people with shitty enough lives and bad enough addictions to work those jobs. I don’t feel sorry for people who volunteer, you are stupid, punishment fits the crime.

I remember when one time we beat some powerhouse, Texas, I think, and let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you run over and touch the goal-post that is being carried to the top of the stadium and about to be tossed down onto innocent by-standards. Nothing like a mob-scene that results from when your team REALLY SUCKS (iowa state) and you beat a national powerhouse.  I’ve participated in that, and I LOVE IT!

So understand, when I diss your team, it comes from a real point of dislike and disgust for the opponent and you. I don’t subscribe to the pacifists “lets all play fair and get along crowd” way of thinking. You suck and OSU rules.


Everyone who buys a new combine is compensating for small yields.  Ha Ha, bet you thought I was going to say penis.

Why can’t we all just NOT get along…

Compromise is the Achilles heel of fulfillment.  Every time you go along to get along, you are just chipping away at your soul.  Not your eternal soul, that’s a religious argument, but your integrity.                                – Jerod T. McDaniel

 (You won’t find that quote on any website or book, it’s mine.)

Let’s launch into politics. As most of you know, I hold the only correct political view that can be held by any American, I support Ron Paul.  Shut-up about the Republican Party nomination process… There is a better chance of finding a good NU football player than proving that this is a valid organization. (big 10 sucks, big 12 rules)  I’m sick and tired of all you idiots who could care less about the mitt and his qualifications, you just want to beat obama. (And no I will not capitalize their asshat names, because they are not worth the effort it takes to depress the shift key while typing)  Sound familiar, because the dumbasses that support obama could give two shits who it was, they just wanted to upend the republican party at all costs in ’08. 

So there you have it, all democrats and republicans can be summed up to a WWF (yes, WWF because anybody who comprimised and uses WWE is a pussy) storyline.  Congrats you partisan hacks, you both support candidates that have the same “run-in” music, some shitty Jack Johnson song you would hear on local FM radio because it is safe and that wouldn’t offend even the most soft-hearted wuss out there.  Ron Paul could strut in with some GNR followed up by Nirvana.

Now some smart-ass is going through their discredit Ron Paul list handed to them by fox news…. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS CRAZY AS HELL, HE STILL MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THE ASSHOLES YOU ARE ROOTING FOR BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOLD YOU TOO!!!!!!!

Enough about that



P.S. The next time somebody hands you a leash to wear around your neck, take it away and beat them with it all Woodrow F. Call style.

Screaming at the cows

Occasionally it’s nice to go outside and scream at the animals.  I don’t mean one of those nice, let’s scare the poor cows into running away for no reason, I mean a blood thirsty braveheart half blue-faced scream.  A scream that travels into the next pasture and startles the jackrabbit sitting in the shade of a yucca plant. A scream like your piss drunk in the campground at a NASCAR event and, well, you know what I mean if you’ve ever been there.

Why the hell is he screaming and what is he screaming about you ask? I have no clue, and neither do the cows.  The just know some psycho just entered their world and stomped the shit out of the fight or flight button. They will either run away or run flat over you. Either way, it’s guaranteed to give you more of a rush than any Wii fit game ever thought of.  In fact I suggest that you run screaming through a heard of old momma cows about one week after giving birth. (The cows giving birth, not human) And to make it more interesting, play tag with all the little calves along the way.  Now if you have doubts about the excitement you can experience while partaking in this event, just imagine Most Extreme Challenge (Japan TV show that, well never-mind) with a 1200 pound, raging mad hormonal woman running towards you whilst you slip and fall in a manure covered wet/slick feedground. Or something like that.

Point being, that moment when she is ready to destroy your every moment of being is when you really understand just how stupid of an idea this was.


empty glass grain marketing advice

So there you have it, your $8+ corn… feel better now.

No point in introductions, if you are reading this, you follow me on twitter, no need for explanation of policy. (dumbshit stuff like trade at your own risk, my advice sucks – ignore at all costs – unless I’m right) Nothing like drinking and getting a little adventurous with grain marketing advice. To understand what it’s really like producing and marketing grain, lets take a page from that classic game show “lets make a deal”…

Now your a producer that raises 1k acres of corn and expect a yield of 200bu/ac. (For those of you who attended college in Norman, Manhattan, College Station, or any town other than Stillwater. – your projected crop would be 200k, with k meaning 1000 bushels) Now you are picked from the crowd because you have the guts to dress up as a modern day farmer, all JD ballcap and bullshit. You’re up on stage and the infamous three door game appears…. Dude shows up and says behind door number one I’ve got a guarantee of $5/bu for your entire crop, and asks if you’ll take it…. Now keep in mind it only costs like $4/bu to produce said corn, so door #1 looks like a windfall profit of (strap in you A&M mathlete defectors from the big 12 the greatest conference to ever exist and you and MU and CU can suck it), $200k. But no, you have learned from years of watching this dog and pony show, that only assholes jump at door #1, and your not that guy today. On to door #2…. and out rolls $6/bu corn… now is where the hard part comes in. Everyone knows that if you take the prize, door #3 kicks ass, but if you defer to door #3, some dickhead stagehand (aka “market”) will switch shit around so that you end up with some broken/scratched DVD of #honeybooboo highlights. So in all your infinite wisdom, you pick door #2 and sit back and revel in your glory of being a badass at your job.

Now the fun begins… some asshat host now has determined that we MUST now show what is behind door #3, guess what, It’s $8/bu corn!!!! Everyone now has the glory of announcing how if they were chosen to run onstage, they would have waited for door #3, it’s just that simple.  Well it isn’t that simple, let me dissect this for you…. The reason you weren’t chosen is because you picked up some “boy-wonder” costume from the dollar general on your way to the show and you are sitting next to your high-school sweetheart who won Ms. Congeniality (not the pretty girl, but always nice). So while your sitting there with your dumbshit “R” on your chest, be quiet and wish you had the guts to go steal a pioneer hat… thus being mistaken for a farmer, and consequently getting picked to go onstage. (Don’t get a channel hat, those are for posers)

Now keep in mind, nothing wrong with the door #2, but everyone wants what they could have had. Truth be told, nobody wants to be that guy who picks.  Most are content to sit on the sidelines and cheer for the winners and boo the losers… (kinda like OSU-OU football last year, FACE sooners)

In summary, when USDA smashes corn production in the morning, remember that guy who picked door #2, and remember, don’t be the asshole who cheers when door #3 now shows $9/bu… we get it, I should have waited…

and for all you rocket scientists who think this analogy applies to me, congrats genius, you should win a fucking Nobel prize in being a dickhead for pointing out the obvious


p.s. if your beer has a twist off cap, it’s not a real beer, stop being an asshole and buy something that requires you to pop the top….