Dear Hallmark: go screw yourself.

If you buy premade cards, you are an asshole.  It’s not hallmark’s fault, but I needed a snazzy title to get you to read this piece of crap I’m writing.  Anyway you got here, might as well read on and cringe. 

I care about you so much, I took the time to read through all these cards, just to get the one I think will make you like me the most” – sad part is, I’m just fucking around and this card probably exists as one of those tongue and cheek, ‘look at me, I’m ironic’ type cards.

Why has society deemed the card such a mainstay in formal situations/events?  Go to any kids B-day party, and every gift MUST be accompanied by a card. The more bullshit noise and crap it spews, the better… (alot like the party itself)  Let somebody close to you die, and here comes the rose colored, dove flying over shit in the sky cards telling everything is going to be ok, because look there is the fucking bird carrying a ribbon in it’s beak.  Turn any age that has a zero as the last number, (20,30,40,etc) and guess what, there is a card for that. I’ll wager that the guy turning 100 is like “Fuck it already, I’ve got a lifetime of these things, and by the way, this eraser tastes great.”  Get married or divorced, some bullshit about how that’s the last guy/girl you’ll ever meet. (for both events)  Get sick, Get well, Get moving, Get a new job, Get laid, Get out of jail, Get remarried, Get a new kid, Get an old kid, Get anything that they can sell you a card for and they will.

Here is a revolutionary idea….

Sit down and write out a card YOURSELF, and include with it YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!

Now this will really screw with people, because, as you understand, polite society frowns upon genuine things.  And if you don’t like the person enough to take the time to make a card, don’t do it, you’ll feel great for not having wasted time on the schmuck you are expected to do something for. Seriously folks, if you want to watch people cringe, just try one time making somebody a card instead of cruising the miles of aisles of walmart, target, etc for the PERFECT THING SOMEBODY ELSE MADE UP, SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BOTHERED WITH THINKING LONG ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING NICE TO SAY.

Sincerely,

Jerod

P.S. You can make your own gifts too, like a storm-trooper helmet out of milk jugs….. Dairy force be with you.

 

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