Farm equipent auctions & other prick waving contests.

Nothing draws a crowd like a good or crappy farm equipment auction.  Thats all I got. I had a great premise in mind about how farmers stand around and mock the “trashy” equipment (that looks exactly as shitty as their own) and how it’s more of a social outing than a business venture. Next was yield “bragging” between neighbors, but I’ll save that for another time. (BTW my yield plot of 31N30 went 295bpa) <— yes, that’s me waving the shit out of it…

Now that I’ve got the dead-end shit out of the way, also known as the first bottle of alcohol, let’s roll on.


Anybody with young kids has probably gotten leggos before. Hell if you are ‘merican, you probably played the shit out of them when you were a kid. If you were not American, think square little rocks that snap together.  Anyway, enough about poor un-American kids and their lack of toys, hey not our fault your country sucks.

I’m sure most in my generation were inspired to build huge successes in life by things like leggos and other toys from our childhood. (except easy bake ovens, “here, melt this lead bar and pretend to eat it”)  I mean you had to use your imagination, no matter how crappy it was.  “look mom, an airplane”, says the kid holding up a brick of leggos that wouldn’t fly even if you soaked it in gas & lit it while said brick is strapped it to the neighbors cat.  Now leggos come in a “kit”….

Let me DEFINE “kit”.  A kit is a box with just the pieces needed to make the mass marketed figure/character.  Image

How do I have a picture of said “kit”? Because I fell into the trap of putting together leggos for my son.  I should have let him have the pieces to build his own brick.  It would have been 1000 times better than the Italian plumber standing on his “big wheel” motorcycle that is just stupid simplified.  In the future, we are going to let him go to town on his leggos without our help… right after we get done putting this JD tractor “kit” together…

Hence, the downfall of the U.S.A., 100% Leggos and parents fault.  One day, he is going to have to learn to wave the “bullshit’ flag for himself, even if it means waving it at his parents and society.

Sidenote: My wife just looked at the box and said “It’s made in Canada, that’s the problem”. I agree, damn Canadians, next time we’re getting Mexican leggos, at least they work.


p.s. Chris Knight is kick-ass music listen to while drinking and writing.


Here is my GD marketing plan….

I’m sick and tired of reading ag related articles that contain marketing advice. I don’t know who the hell their target audience is. (sure as fuck isn’t me)  They all like to use phrases like, “now that you are done with harvest, what to do with the bushels….”

I know what you do SELL THAT SHIT AND PAY THE BANK.  I guess I’m outside of the demo they are striving to impress, because every damn bushel of grain, every pound of beef, every ounce of sweat is spoken for.  I guess there is some rich mid-western farmer/rancher sitting on a lazy-boy stuffed with $20’s for padding, just wringing his hands about what to do with his unsold bushels of grain, but that isn’t the case here.

“We have you at 20% sold on your 2012 corn crop”…. Really?!? If I was concerned about what the fuck to do with unsold bushels, I can damn well guarantee you I’ve figured out how to play the game well enough that my marketing advice would not come from a publication that could double for toilet paper in Amish country.

“Hold off on sales until market rallies….”  Ok, genius, why didn’t you tell me to pull the trigger when prices were at an all time high? The truth-full answer is you didn’t want to be the asshole that make everyone sell early, better to be part of the “advisory” crowd that plays it safe on every occasion.

“Add to sales on rallies to XYZ level in XYZ futures contract….” So in reality, they are going to make a 20/20 hindsight call like it is going there again.  Nobody really gives a shit if it happens, they just want the opportunity to say “we told you so”.

My GD grain marketing plan is simple, try to forward contract 99.9999% of every bushel I raise for the absolute top in the market. Do I fail, hell yes. Is anybody knocking down the gate to get my grain marketing advice, not yet. Am I one day closer to understanding how to bullshit my way into people paying me for marketing advice, you bet.

Forward Sales FTW


You are 100% sold on bullshit for the 2012 marketing season, just wait until someting changes and I’ll tell you why you suck for not anticipating it, Hold off on 2013 bullshit for now.

P.S. Profarmer is 100% sold on 2012 corn, kudos to those guys for sticking their neck out and staying with it. They will probably cringe at my endorsement.

Dear Hallmark: go screw yourself.

If you buy premade cards, you are an asshole.  It’s not hallmark’s fault, but I needed a snazzy title to get you to read this piece of crap I’m writing.  Anyway you got here, might as well read on and cringe. 

I care about you so much, I took the time to read through all these cards, just to get the one I think will make you like me the most” – sad part is, I’m just fucking around and this card probably exists as one of those tongue and cheek, ‘look at me, I’m ironic’ type cards.

Why has society deemed the card such a mainstay in formal situations/events?  Go to any kids B-day party, and every gift MUST be accompanied by a card. The more bullshit noise and crap it spews, the better… (alot like the party itself)  Let somebody close to you die, and here comes the rose colored, dove flying over shit in the sky cards telling everything is going to be ok, because look there is the fucking bird carrying a ribbon in it’s beak.  Turn any age that has a zero as the last number, (20,30,40,etc) and guess what, there is a card for that. I’ll wager that the guy turning 100 is like “Fuck it already, I’ve got a lifetime of these things, and by the way, this eraser tastes great.”  Get married or divorced, some bullshit about how that’s the last guy/girl you’ll ever meet. (for both events)  Get sick, Get well, Get moving, Get a new job, Get laid, Get out of jail, Get remarried, Get a new kid, Get an old kid, Get anything that they can sell you a card for and they will.

Here is a revolutionary idea….

Sit down and write out a card YOURSELF, and include with it YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!

Now this will really screw with people, because, as you understand, polite society frowns upon genuine things.  And if you don’t like the person enough to take the time to make a card, don’t do it, you’ll feel great for not having wasted time on the schmuck you are expected to do something for. Seriously folks, if you want to watch people cringe, just try one time making somebody a card instead of cruising the miles of aisles of walmart, target, etc for the PERFECT THING SOMEBODY ELSE MADE UP, SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BOTHERED WITH THINKING LONG ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING NICE TO SAY.



P.S. You can make your own gifts too, like a storm-trooper helmet out of milk jugs….. Dairy force be with you.